"Next Time, Just Stay Home"

"Lights...camera...embarrassment"

Netflix. Hulu. Amazon Prime. Vudu. FX Now. HBO Max, hell, even Disney plus, (shout out to "black is king"). All of these platforms were strategically designed for us to stay home. Why couldn't I just stay home?

I could have curled up in my plush emerald throw blanket and streamed episodes of "The Office", watched back-to-back music videos on "Yo! MTV Raps", or even tuned into the final episode of "Cupcake Wars", (I always tell Janet's silly ass to put her lemon cakes in the oven first BEFORE mixing the cinnamon and nutmeg for the second dish! Now her ass is out of time). But my point is, all the possibilities! All the endless possibilities and STILL, I just couldn't stay home.

---

Time: 5:48 pm

When: A Friday afternoon

Where: The comfort of my own home

I ran my fingers down the list, blanket; check, hot wings; check, water for hot wings; check, (your girl be choking). One by one, I mentally checked the boxes and started to feel completely elated at the success of my preparation to have one of the most secluded and unbothered nights possible.

My laptop was fully charged, my movie selection was already selected, and the moment these trailers were over, I could officially take a bite out of one of my juicy hot wings. Everything was coming together just as planned. As the trailers were coming to a close, I spotted a notification on my phone that, at this very moment I wish I had ignored. It was a notification alerting me that I had a direct message on Instagram and by the width of the message, whoever it was had plenty to say, (who the hell is it nowwww?).

I grabbed my phone and from the lock screen I saw that the message was coming from my college friend Amber, a girl I shared three classes with and who would cheat off my tests in ALL three of those classes, (she doesn't know this, but I became her friend to gain the confidence to tell her to stop cheating off my tests. I thought it would lessen the blow). I opened up the message half thinking that Amber needed something, like a copy of my notes or an accomplice to steal the answer sheets but was surprised to find out that she was actually inviting me to a party that was happening later on that night.

Not really wanting to go because, one, I had already checked off my checklist, (I'm trying to get to these wings), and two, ALL OF THESE PLATFORMS, there's no real need to go out. Besides, I was already dressed in my finest garms; the oversized Houston sweatshirt and the foliage-colored sweatpants that had an unacceptable number of holes in it, I was comfortable. But seconds away from me replying back to Amber to tell her that I was "too busy" to attend, she, instead, beat to the punch and got her message through first.

"I really want you to go to this party", started the first half of the message. "And sis, before you lie to me and say you're 'too busy', you should know some old friends of mine are hosting. You'll have so much fun".

Nothing in this message seemed to phase me. My mind was already made up, I was staying home, but out of respect for my friend and because I clearly still had one more trailer to go, I continued to read.

"It's a glow in the dark house party that their fraternity broth-"

I was now completely zoned in.

What started off as me skimming through Amber's long ass dead sea scroll of a message and shifting my focus from my phone screen to my laptop had now turned into me giving Amber my undivided attention.

"Brothas, you say?", I thought to myself. "Fraternity brothas, you say?", I thought once again.

That was all I needed to hear before powering off my laptop and tossing my plush throw blanket to the ground, (oh, and by the way, FORGET THEM WANGS! I'll eat in the afterlife).

I messaged Amber back to let her know that I would be in attendance and moments later she responded with the directions to the party. I quickly ditched my Houston sweatshirt and holey mole-y foliage-colored sweatpants and hopped in the shower. About an hour or so later, I was dressed and ready to glow in this dark next to a member of the "Divine Nine" repping his set, (let me cross those Burning Sands with you, boo).

Time: 8:15 pm

When: A Friday Night

Where: A house party that was Not in the comfort of my own home

I had finally arrived.

The drive was about thirty minutes from where I lived, and the house was in a neighborhood I couldn't spell and on a street that I couldn't pronounce, so I knew right away that someone with more than Monopoly money occupied this space. I walked in and was completely blown away by, not only how elaborate the house was, but also the set up as well, (when they said, "glow in the dark", they really meant it. Is this a house party or am I in the gotdamn space time continuum?).

Everyone had on bright colors and glow sticks and because all the lights were turned off, the neon face paint gave off quite the cosmic appearance. Inches away from the door was a guy in a bright orange hoodie who guarded the stairs and whose main job that night seemed to be handing out extra glow sticks to all the partygoers demanding extras to form ridiculous ass crowns, (bye King Arthur of Camelot). Next to the man in the orange hoodie sat a table filled with food and drinks and next to that sat a sista who was clearly responsible for everyone's face paint.

After receiving a hand full of glow sticks and eating way too many chicken wings from the table, (what?! don't judge me. Y'all know I left my wings at home), I thought it would be best to hurry up and find Amber before I wandered off too far into the unknown.

The house was packed, and the music was blasting. There were at least two hundred people in attendance. Dance parties were forming on the stairs, the spilling of tea was being held in the kitchen, and black people united as one in the living room, it was a sight to see.

After making my rounds from one room to the next and constantly bumping into the shoulders of people who just wanted to dance in peace, I finally spotted Amber on the opposite side of the living room guzzling down a bottle of water, (that's right sis, stay hydrated). We complimented each other's outfits before embracing in one of the longest hugs of my life, and after thanking Amber for the invite, the two of us made our way to the center of the living room that was quickly turning into the main dance floor.

Then it happened. The moment you've all been waiting for. Another awkward and embarrassing moment to add to the books, but before I get into the gawky and blundering part of this story, I must first remind you all of a key component: this was a glow in the dark house party. THE LIGHTS WERE OFF.

Time: 9:45 pm

When: A Friday night

Where: The living room of a house party that was still not in the comfort of my own home.

While on the "dance floor" I get a call from my best friend Dominique who somehow mysteriously knows whenever I've strayed too far from home. As I walked over to a vacant space inches away from the kitchen to answer the call, I catch a glimpse of the side of brothas bone structure and quickly picked up the phone to alert Dominique of my findings. It was dark and I could barely see his face, but from the glow that bounced from his necklace to his face paint and then landing directly on his cheekbones, I just knew this man was fine, and if anyone was going to support my thirst, it would've been Dominique.

"Girl!", I said screaming into the phone and then checking my surroundings to avoid any unwanted attention. "Dom, you there?!".

"Yes girl, I'm here!", replied Dominique, who I could tell just by the tone of her voice was ready to pick up whatever I had to put down.

"Sis! You need to see what I'm seeing!", I said in excitement.

"Well, what you seeing?!".

I had Dominique on the edge of her seat.

"I'm at this glow in the dark house party somewhere out in Candyland and I just seen the finest brotha there ever was!"

"Well, don't just stand there!", shouted Dominique, scolding me like how a father would scold his son for not catching the football properly. "Take a picture! Let me see what you seeing".

This is why I should've stayed home!

---

Phone out. Camera mode on.

I surreptitiously walked over to the other side of the living room to get a better view of this 'African Tribal King' in which I locked eyes to cheekbone with. He proceeded to the middle of the "dance floor" and I, being the creep I am, followed, not once questioning my decision to do this. After smoothly cutting through crowds and gracefully avoiding big asses twerking in corners, I had finally managed to get close enough to snap a headshot photo of the 'African Tribal King' ,but not too close to where I could ultimately be detected. Still not questioning my rash decision, (I’m doing this for Lil’ Dom).

Phone Up. Discreet mode in full effect.

Surroundings: Clear. People noticing: zero

Now stay with me ya'll because I know you want nothing more but for me to get to the point of this story, but I have to make a few things known first. Now I know what this looks like; creepy ass stalker girl, and you would be absolutely correct, (there's no shame in my game).

I’m a proud member of the C.R.E.E.P. community, (acronym unknown). I'm smooth, and I move in stealth. A regular James Bond, hell, a Russian spy, if you will. I'm even a master at finding things that go unnoticed to the naked eye, (I can find your cousins cousin on your great grandmothers’ side who was five times removed). So that’s why it does nothing more than break my heart that I fumbled the ball!

"Steadyy...Steadddyy", I thought to myself.

I slowly tilted the phone upwards, getting what I thought was the perfect angle.

"Click!"

"OH. MY. GOD.", I thought to myself while playing hot potato with my phone.

The music stopped. "Why did the music stop?!"

Heads turning. My phone, now on the ground.

"Were eyes on me? If so, how many?"

The 'African Tribal King' and his crew looked around the room and one of his friends looked me directly in the face. I didn’t even have to turn around to know eyes were probably watching me back there too. My paranoia was in full effect!

THE FLASH WAS ON! THE GOTDAMN FLASH WAS ON!

A big, bright ass white comet lit up this very dark room. MY big bright ass comet!

"Well God", I thought to myself, head hanging low in silent prayer. "I guess you chose for me to live through this instead of taking me out right here and now where I’d like to be dead". There’s obviously a lesson in this somewhere.

I had absolutely, positively no way of getting out of this.

I stood perfectly still, phone still dead on the ground in a position I, too wanted to be in.

After looking around the room once more, someone whose voice came from the stairs screamed, “What the fuck was that?!”.

The 'African Tribal King', still standing along the walls of the living room with his crew looked around and shouted, “Did someone just take a picture?”.

I was completely mortified. I looked around the room, darting my eyes from the kitchen to the staircase and scanning every wall that surrounded me completely confused and terrified like a deer in headlights. I saw Amber in the crowd standing opposite of me and giving me a look that in all seriousness said, “I know what you did”.

I still chose not to move. Amber's face read of disappointment and I was to afraid to make any sudden movements, like a child who had been caught stealing candy out of their local Target.

But in that moment, I noticed something. No one except for Amber knew what really happened, therefore, no one knew it was me. I could use that to my advantage and get the hell out of there!

People were still looking around in confusion. One side of the crowd was in complete shambles, trying to figure out if the house was being beamed up by aliens while the other side of the crowd was well aware that someone had taken a picture and decided to stop at nothing to try and find the culprit. But still, everyone remained completely clueless!

“God bless the dark”, I thought.

But there was no more time to waste. I grabbed my phone that was about two inches away from a sistas stiletto and backed away slowly until I reached the hallway where those chicken wings still sat. I grabbed the plate of chicken wings that sat alone on the corner of the table and jetted off once I knew I was in the clear.

With my car parked at the end of the street, I quickly started to pick up speed in my stride, careful not to drop a wing. Once in the car, I immediately called Dominique to share the news of what I just experienced, and to my surprise, her response to my tragic event was something I did not expect.

“But sis", said Dominique with a tone that hinted at a bit of laughter. "Did you get the picture?”

I couldn't believe this Archibald Bishop of a friend. I just had one of the most horrifying nights of my life and the only thing Dominique cared about was the gotdamn picture?!

Well, guess what, sis? Picture this?

I quickly hung up the phone with no warning to Dominique and drove off, leaving the pains of the night behind me. As I pulled up to the stop sign, I took a moment to think if Janet ever put those lemon cakes in the oven.

©2022, Arien Simone