"Customer Service"

I don't know, Larry! That's why I called you!

It's a number.

It's the number right there on the back of your Target gift card so you can check the remaining balance, (sorry to break it to you, but the remaining balance is zero. You and I both know $25 won't get you far in Target. It's a candle at best).

It's also the number right there at the bottom of your receipt so you can take the store's 10-minute survey and share your shopping experience. You may even qualify for the $500 cash prize! (Trust me, you don't. They aren't paying you for a review or suggestion that they can get on Yelp for free).

and lastly, it's the number right there on the company's website that you use to try and figure out why the hell your laptop isn't turning on! (Now is not the time, HP! Now is not the time!)

Like I said, It's a number.

So, who you gonna call?... It ain't ghostbusters.

---

Warning:

The following conversation is based on true events; however, trying to remember the correct verbiage being used when speaking with a technical professional is quite difficult. so, be prepared to question the authenticity of this story.

*No representatives were harmed in the answering of this phone call... allegedly.

---

Please be advised. This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance and training purposes...

"Thank you for calling HP tech support, this is Larry. How can I help you?"

I could tell from the introduction alone that Larry, who probably just clocked in for his shift, was already done for the day.

From his lackluster tone to his depressed sigh, it was clear that Larry didn't have the energy, nor the patience to help me as stated in his initial greeting.

But I had a problem...a real problem, and if Larry could just help me solve it, then no one would have to get hurt.

The conversation:

"Hi Larry! My name is Simone and I'm calling because the screen on my laptop just went completely blank and now it isn't turning on at all".

There was a brief moment of silence, but with a deep sigh and, (probably an eyeroll), Larry finally responded.

"Well did you charge it, Simone?", he asked, still gracing me with his ever so delightful charm.

I looked around my living room in both confusion and shock which eventually turned into complete disgust.

"Did I charge it?", I mistakenly said out loud. "Yes, I charged it!"

With a furrowed brow and a dormant attitude, I paused. Did Larry really believe that my issue would be as simple as me forgetting to charge my laptop? Did this man really think so little of my struggle? Well, apparently, he did because moments after my response I could hear the aggressive tapping of the keyboard and the roughhousing between man versus chair fighting to be repositioned in the background. Larry was clearly in no mood to be given such onerous duties this early in his shift. But it didn't stop him from continuing his questions; one being more dimwitted than the other.

"What is the priority of the issue, Simone?", asked Larry, whose tone still suggested that he was somehow dying of boredom.

"What's the priority of my issue?", I replied, once again repeating Larry's questions back to him.

My inner thoughts began to surface.

"What's the priority of the issue? "..."The hell kind of question is that? "..."It's obviously URGENT, Larry!".

Side Note:

Now I know that this is the second time that I've repeated Larry's questions back at him, and a quick F.Y.I., there's more to come, but this man and his questions, along with his tone, (Larry was mean), had me frazzled. Like, are these questions even apart of the script?

So yes, I repeated his question because I needed more clarity, (ain't no shame in my game).

"I'm not sure I know what you mean.", I continued, trying my best to stay calm.

"The priority, Simone", Larry replied, (I see we're still on a first name basis). "On a scale from one to ten, what's the priority? One meaning I can possibly shut your laptop down now and ten meaning I can't". (But isn't my laptop already shut down? That's why it's not working right? Again, I'm frazzled).

Larry spoke to me as if he were my boyfriend, completely fed up with my dramatics and asking in a very monotone voice, "What's the problem now?", and as hard as I tried to use my context clues on this particular question, I couldn't help but feel like a contestant on the Price Is Right. It was as if I knew exactly what Larry was asking of me but overthinking the question entirely.

"IT'S URGENT...LARR-RY!", I shouted, inadvertently responding with yet another one of my inner thoughts and adding emphasis to his name, (since we're still responding using our governments). "That's right! It's a big ass TEN!".

"urrgennt", he said slowly and quietly to himself as if he were writing it down. "So, it looks like I can't shut down your system then since it's a 'big ass ten'...SI-MONE", (was this man mocking me? Larry with the clapbacks).

There was another moment of silence, however, this one seemed to last a bit longer than the others.

"So, is there nothing you can do?", I said finally, breaking the tension and assumingly interrupting Larry's thoughts. "Should I have said a one?".

"Is the computer on but your screen just black? Or is everything completely shut down?", Larry asked, unapologetically ignoring my previous comments.

But before I could finish my response to the question on the table, Larry decided to overwhelm me with a follow up question.

"Everything is comple-"...

"Is this problem affecting your other devices?", he asked with a muffled voice that indicated both of his elbows were now on his desk and his face planted directly in the palms of his hands. (This must be a test from the Lawd itself).

"Everything is completely shut down!", I said, granting myself the permission to finish my first response. "And no, it's just my laptop that's affected".

"Well did you try rebooting the computer, Simone?", (here he goes using my name again. Who is he? My mother?).

I took a deep breath before responding. It seemed as though my man Larry was testing the boundaries that I had in place, and even though I wanted nothing more than to be transferred to William Hewlett and David Packard themselves, (the founders of HP), they were dead, and here I was, stuck with Larry trying my best to establish a rapport. A terrible one, but a rapport nonetheless, (besides, I didn't want to answer these questions over with someone else. We had gotten so far...I think). But after building up enough Zen from the deep inhales and exhales, I had finally summoned the right energy needed to respond to Larry's statement.

"No, Larry", I started, aggressively dragging the palms of my hands down the sides of my face in frustration. "I did not reboot or try to reboot my computer. I don't even know what that meaaans". (How could I reboot it anyway if the damn thing isn't even turning on? For the third time, I'm frazzled).

"You don't know how to reboot your laptop, Simone!?"..."It's literally written in your HP manual!", (this mothafu-, the manual?! who reads the manual?!).

But wait! Something about Larry in that moment was different. For the very first time since being on the line with him, he had finally done the one thing that I never thought he'd do, (aside from his job!). He had finally changed the pitch in his tone! After a brutal twenty minutes of listening to a dry, bored, uninspired, and completely mundane voice, Larry, for just a moment, became loud and slightly...surprised? Like a nerd who couldn't seem to fathom the reality that not everyone played Dungeons and Dragons and met up at their local parks to L.A.R.P., I had finally triggered a different kind of reaction from Larry, (so he's not a sociopath?). But I still needed to reply.

"Larry". I was now at the edge of my seat, (please don't let this man push me to raise on up). "I don't know how to reboot, reprogram, remodel, reinvent, redesign...nothing! I don't know anything about that, Larry! That's why I called you!", (my man, I don't work in I.T.).

"I see", Larry replied, still keeping his newly high-pitched voice at the center of our conversation. But even with this new relaxed attitude of his, Larry still remained unphased and unbothered by my rant that took place only moments ago, (like I said, a boyfriend who was completely over my shenanigans).

"Mhmmm". Larry was thinking now, (hopefully of a damn solution!). "Alright", he said calmly.

I could hear it in the background; the adjusting and readjusting of the chair and body. It had seemed to me that Larry was now laying back in his peeled, foam revealing, black leather office chair, probably twirling around a nubby number two pencil in his right hand as he spoke to me into his headset. Something like a telemarketer who was preparing to give a potential customer the lie...uh, I mean the pitch of a lifetime, (here we go again. I'm about to be frazzled once more).

Possible Problems, Silly Solution:

"There's probably going to be a troubleshooting process involved", said Larry, who I still believe was twirling around his 'needs to be sharpened' number two pencil. "Could be multiple problems with the device".

"What kind of problems?", I asked frantically. (And when are you going to start solving these problems?).

"Listen", he said, undoubtably moving his chair closer to his screen and preparing to give me some pitch that saves him time but costs me money, (did I call customer service or a car dealership?). "This issue could either be a bad charger or a bad battery. And to make things simpler, I have to ask, you got anotha charga?".

my Inner thoughts once again surfacing.

"What in the hell?"... "Who's in charge of writing these questions?"..."And why was Larry talking like that?"..."YoU gOt AnoTHeR cHarGer?".

Who did this man think I was? But a better question is, who did he think he was?!

Larry went from being bored and unexciting to high pitched and expressive just to bring it all to a close with some fake Italian accent that he used to ask me: "aye, you gotta notha charga?" like he was Tony Soprano asking Paulie for a favor.

No, Larry, I don't have anotha charga! They only provide one per box!

"I don't have another charger", I replied, making the same hand gestures and facial features I did when responding to the five questions before.

Larry took another deep sigh, probably his tenth one since being on the line with me. But as he typed on his keyboard and clicked on his mouse, Larry foolishly decided to appoint me the official solver of both of our current problems, and it became painfully clear that the well-being of my laptop was solely becoming my burden to carry, (I could've just gone on YouTube for this).

---

Step 1: The Charger Check

"Now you need to make sure that you unplug your charger and any other detachable hardware, like a webcam or USB from the device before we start this process", said Larry as he prepped me for this upcoming step by step guide in doing what I actually called him for. "We're going to check and hopefully rule out the possibility of a bad charger first before moving on to checking the battery. If neither of them is the problem, then I'll have to reboot your entire system which may take some time, but ultimately get you back up and running".

I couldn't believe it! Was I even talking to the same man?

Larry's high-pitched voice was once again making an appearance back to the center of our conversation, but this time it came with a clear plan and a strong feeling of reassurance. For the first time, I felt slightly optimistic that not only was my laptop in good hands, but that things between Larry and I were finally looking up! (We're building a rapport!).

"Alright Simone! With your charger detached from the device, go ahead and hold that power button down for at least one minute. We're going to try and release some possible static buildup".

Larry, with a new attitude and sure confidence was fully entrusting me with this simple, yet high pressure task. And as nervous as I seemed to be to do the absolute bare minimum, I felt more ready than ever to hold that power button down like no one has ever held a power button before! (Larry would be proud).

1 minute later...

"How are we looking Simone?!".

Larry was now more joyous than ever. So joyous in fact that I almost wished for the old Larry to come back.

You see, the old Larry had less of an expectation, if any at all. This new Larry, however, was full of joy, hope and optimism. So how on Earth was I supposed to break the news to new Larry and tell him that his plan to hold down the power button did absolutely nothing. Not a damn thing. I even held it down an extra thirty seconds just to keep hope alive, and still, not even a glitch.

"Uhm Larry", I said nervously. "Nothing happened. It still isn't turning on".

Shaking in my skinny jeans, I anxiously waited for Larry's response.

"Oh, it's alright, Simone!", he replied, still keeping his effervescent spirit alive. "At least we know your charger isn't the problem. So, let's move on to checking your battery".

I was really starting to like this new version of Larry. He felt like a coach, full of encouragement and guidance, and constantly assuring his one lone player on the bench that they too would eventually have their time to shine, (me, I was the one lone player on the bench), and I was now more ready than ever to continue my I.T. apprenticeship under the tutelage of the great Larry himself, (but damn I always speak too soon).

Step 2: Battery Bootcamp

"Ok, Simone", said Larry who was still holding onto his positive attitude. "This step is going to be the same as last time, we're just going to remove the battery instead of the charger. So, whenever you're ready, just pop that battery on out and hold down that power button again".

I took a moment to thoroughly inspect my laptop before responding. I was sure Larry said all I had to do was "just pop that battery on out and hold down that power button", but it seemed as though I had run into a bit of a situation.

As I turned my laptop from one side to the other, I began running my fingers along the sides and bottom desperately searching for some kind of latch or button, (hell, a secret passageway), anything to unlock and reveal the battery.

After a failed attempt at finding an opening, I once again began to shake in my skinny jeans at the very thought of returning back to Larry's request empty handed, (I have failed, my liege).

"Uhm Larry", I said quietly. "I can't find the opening to the battery. It must be an internal one".

I could hear it almost immediately. The movement of a single chair being wheeled forward in the background, but what came next was my biggest fear.

After another brief moment of silence followed by a familiar deep sigh, I knew right away that I had officially summoned the old Larry once again, (he's risen!).

With his elbows assuming their position and his face once again finding its comfort in the palms of his hands, Larry, along with his slightly missed dry and frustrated tone finally spoke.

"I thought you were aware that you had an internal battery?", he asked, completely disappointed in his once benchwarmer turned star player.

But I decided to let the moment pass, choosing not to respond to such an intimidating and slightly judgmental question. And as I sat on my sofa in complete silence, Larry finally breaking the awkward tension, asked another question.

"So, I assume you don't know how to remove it?", he said still gracing me with his infamous "fed up boyfriend" energy.

"You assume correct", I responded, not giving a single damn about Larry and his attitude, (That's right! I'm making him work today!).

"Well, do you have a screwdriver on hand?", he continued.

"A screwdriver!?", I thought to myself. "Why do I need that?!".

But before I could finish anymore of my inner thoughts, Larry, with no more time to waste began to prep me for the second step of what I considered to be HIS JOB!

"Let me go get this damn screwdriver".

---

..."You know what, Larry. I'll just buy another laptop!".

It was like I had been mistakenly placed inside the workroom of NASA's headquarters and assumed to be an employee.

Listening to Larry geek out about the motherboard and the C-MOS, (whatever the hell that was), while simultaneously trying to explain how to identify and detach each of their pieces on my own, made me feel like I was an unqualified mathematician being asked to calculate trajectories, launch windows, and emergency return paths for astronauts trying to get back to Earth, (baby please don't depend on my calculations. I'll have you bumping and jumping in a whole other dimension. Ok, Dr. Strange?). Either way, I was completely overwhelmed and way in over my head. (I should've known that this conversation would take a turn for the worse the moment I was asked if I had a screwdriver).

"Lift the two rubber strips on the back of your keyboard"... "There should be a total of five screws"... "Do you see five screws?"... "Now unscrew all five screws".

Directions were coming at me from left to right. Between checking for screws and listening to Larry tell me to unscrew the screws, it was like reading a damn riddle to try and escape an escape room, (one screw, two screw, red screw, blue screw. I was frazzled! Again!). But the directions kept coming, some more complicated than the ones before.

"Do you have a credit card or something?"... "You need a credit card or something to lift your keyboard"... "Have you lifted your keyboard?"... "Let me know when you've lifted your keyboard".

"Larry! I've lifted my keyboard!".

Just when I thought these directions couldn't get any worse.

"Great!", shouted Larry, who seemed to be more excited at the fact that I was finally finished as opposed to a job well done. "Now that your motherboard is exposed, you need to now unscrew your C-MOS battery", (damnit! More screwing?!). "You should see two rams, two speakers, a heat sink, a fan, a M. Two slot, the Wi-Fi station, and then the battery". "Now go ahead and unscrew that".

As Larry broke down every inch of my laptops structure, I couldn't help but look at the components inside of my computer and think that every piece that Larry just named looked the exact same to me. I honestly couldn't tell the difference between the fan from the ram, and I definitely couldn't find the damn battery!

"Did you unscrew the battery?", Larry asked.

I quickly searched through the components of my 'motherboard'.

"Where's the battery?", I thought to myself.

"The battery is the rectangular box at the bottom of your motherboard to your right", Larry said interrupting my thoughts. "Unscrew the screws and pull back the lining when you're done".

"Where's the lining?!", I thought to myself once again.

"The lining is the red strip at the top of your battery".

(Well damn, either this man has evidently caught on to my lack of knowledge as an I.T. Specialist, or he's Professor X?). But as I continued to unscrew the battery away from my computer... oh, I mean my "motherboard", Larry continued to check in on my progress while preparing me for yet another step.

Why didn't I just go for the transfer?

I was surprisingly impressed with myself! I had gone from being an unqualified mathematician to a certified computer engineer in a matter of seconds! And after what seemed like a never-ending cycle of removing unremovable parts and trying to differentiate the fan from the Wi-Fi station, my laptop was now completely disassembled and laying dead (STILL!) on my living room floor.

"We're going to perform both a BIOS reset, and a factory reset on your computer depending on which one works for your current situation".

"I have to do yet another task?!", I shouted at Larry, completely overwhelmed at the mere thought of doing something else outside of my normal abilities, (just give me a damn job application at this point!).

"No", he laughed, (but this wasn't funny!). "I'm going to handle these resets on my end, however for the BIOS reset, I do need you to hold down the power button again for at least ten to fifteen seconds".

"So, then I do have to do yet another task?", I said, responding to Larry's lie, but this time Larry chose to completely ignore my complaint.

After performing the BIOS reset and failing, Larry quickly moved on to the factory reset that was starting to feel like my last hope.

I was informed that this particular method would take at least fifteen to thirty minutes to complete with Larry offering me the option to hang up and receive a call back once finished.

Against my better judgement, I decided to take Larry up on his offer and hung up almost immediately due to the cramping in my arm and the growling of my stomach, (along with the frustration rattling my nerves).

As I sat on the floor of my living room waiting for Larry to call back, like a girl who has just given her number to her crush who says he'll call at eight, I began to get impatient and slightly nervous when fifteen to thirty minutes turned into forty to forty-five, (his call at eight was starting to look a lot like a call tomorrow).

It had been almost an hour now!

I picked up my phone and rapidly began searching through my call logs to find Larry's number, and after two disconnections, three new representatives, and multiple line transfers, I tossed my phone to the side and sat staring at the disassembled pieces of my laptop that laid wildly across my living room floor.

My inner thoughts surfacing for the last time.

"Did it work?"... "Who the hell is going to help me put this back together?!"... "Did I just get ghosted?"

As I zoned back into my reality, I realized that my "crush" who said that he would call at eight would, in fact, never call at all.

"This muthafuc-"...!

©2022, Arien Simone